Street Smarts

Before I start this post I want to issue a disclaimer that I really am a smart person. (Some of you are like hmm, I don't know about that girlfriend...) But on paper at least, I'm smart. I always got good grades, was in all the honors classes, got a pretty decent score on the act, graduated college with a 3.4, never studied, aced all my tests, I can whip out an academic paper in no time, read a lot of classical literature, have daily conversations about world politics... I think my brother put it best when he told me once that I'm book smart, but not really street smart...

It all started today when Josh and I were having a discussion about whether or not we should put our coffee table in storage so Cooper can have more room to move around and preferably not whack his head on it. Then I started to ponder why we have coffee tables in the first place, I told Josh, "Well it is kind of handy to put drinks on." And then out of the blue it dawned on me, at the age of 25, that it must be called a coffee table because that's where people set their coffee! Josh confirmed that yes, that's why it's called that, and then asked me how I aced calculus. Then I wondered how something like that could have possibly escaped my notice for a quarter of a century. Then I started to think of all the other ridiculous things I've been clueless about up to my mid twenties. So here are some of my major discoveries of the last three years since I've been married to Josh, though I'm sure my family can attest that this has been going on for much longer.

One day while driving past Sugar House Park I informed Josh that Utah's state bird is the seagull and then asked him what Minnesota's state bird is.
Josh: The loon
Paige: No, that must be your state duck, or your state animal or something. What's your state bird?
Josh: The loon
Paige: No, that's a duck
Josh: Ducks ARE birds
Paige: Nooo... Wait what?
Josh: What do you think a duck is?
Paige: It's an animal
Josh: Well yes, but more specifically it's a bird
Paige: No, it's poultry
Josh: Poultry are birds
Paige: So you mean to tell me that chickens and turkeys and geese and ducks and all of those things are birds too?
Josh: Paige they have WINGS
Paige: Well ya but they can't fly...
Josh: Yes they can fly! Have you ever been duck hunting? Of course not- have you ever played duck hunt?
Long story short, we got home, googled it (or I googled it while Josh stared at me in horror) and it turns out- ducks are birds I guess.

Apparently ducks are a confusing area for me. One night on the phone with Josh's parents they told us about the wood duck house they had built. We got off the phone and I asked Josh what a wood duck looked like.
Josh: What do you mean?
Paige: Well how is it different from an actual duck?
Josh: What do you mean an actual duck?
Paige: You know, like a normal duck.
Josh: A normal duck?
Paige: Those green headed guys.
Josh: A mallard?
Paige: A what?
Josh: Paige do you understand what a species is?
Paige: .... So there's no such thing as just a regular duck?
Josh: No honey

Last one of the farm animals category (which I guess I never cared to learn much basic information about.) One day while driving to my grandparent's house I was looking out the window and saw some strange animals.
Paige: What kind of animals are those?
Josh: Are you serious? They're cows. Have you never seen a cow before?
Paige: Obviously I've seen a cow. Cows are black and white spots. These things are just brown and black.
Josh: Black and white cows are dairy cows, there are different kinds of cows. Maybe your grandparents have some little kid book about farm animals you can read when we get there.

One time Josh and I stopped at In N Out. We ordered, sat down, and I started reading a brochure at the table. On the back of the brochure there was an order form to fill out and mail in and a place to put your money. I casually remarked out loud "Who would want to order a hamburger by mail? It'd be cold and gross by the time it got there." Josh was already walking towards the counter to get our food. He stopped, turned around, stared at me for a while, and then came back to the table to point out the t-shirts and hats and other memorabilia on the front of the brochure and explained that you would be ordering a t-shirt by mail, not a hamburger.

One time we were driving and I saw a sign for a ten dollar tire rotation. I said to Josh "Who would pay ten dollars for that? Your tires rotate every time you drive." Josh tried to explain it for a while and then ultimately had to draw me a diagram of what tire rotation was.

One day Josh was telling me about a relative of his who was a merchant marine.
Paige: Wow that's so cool. You have to be really strong to be a merchant marine.
Josh: Well I don't really know about that, you mostly have to know about ships.
Paige: No you're thinking of the navy, the marines are on land.
Josh: Paige, what do you think a merchant marine is?
Paige: Someone who is in the marines and I don't really know about the merchant part- maybe they sell stuff?

One day I was frustrated on the computer.
Paige: Ugh I can't find what I'm looking for
Josh: What are you looking for?
Paige: DIY stuff, it's always so cute.
Josh: What?
Paige: DIY makes like crafts and home good stuff and their stuff is always super cute but I can't find their website. Have you ever seen any DIY stores?
Josh: Do you think it's a brand or something? DIY stands for do it yourself.
Paige: Oh... Everything makes so much more sense now.

One night at a dinner party with friends, unfortunately really smart friends I might add, one of them was telling us about his mission in Romania and all of the problems he encountered with gypsies. I listened to the conversation for a while, so many questions running through my mind, until I finally asked, "So.... Gypsies are real people?" Everyone just stared. "I thought they were mythical, like unicorns."

And the absolute, most humiliating for last. One day I was home alone and saw a creepy weird-looking bug on the floor. I freaked out, slammed a pot down over the top of it, and then piled a bunch of books on top so it couldn't escape. I text Josh at work to tell him there was a gross, horrifying bug in our apartment that I trapped under a pot and to please kill it when he got home. Josh asked what kind of bug and I told him I had never seen this kind of bug before, it must be some sort of exotic cross-breed. Later that night I came home from work and the pot was gone but the scary bug was still on the floor!
Paige: Why didn't you kill that thing?!
Josh: I wanted you to look at it first.
Paige: No way! I'm not going near it! It's red and it had a billion legs like a centipede!
Josh: Just trust me, go look at it.
It was a french fry.