What Josh Has Given Me

Whenever I’m alone and I feel anxiety building I close my eyes and visualize Josh. I recreate his round shoulders that hold up his long, sloping arms that start to widen beginning at his elbows. His upside down triangular back that stretches his shirt fabric around his trapezoids and then lets the fabric pool loosely at the bottom. His skinny, hairy legs that remind me of spiders that scurry away from sunlight. His plate sized, veiny hands that hold my face pressing each spot like a magic button. His heavy lidded eyelids that stretch over eyes the color of a coastal ocean. I see him and I mentally cup those plate hands around each side of my face, I look into the ocean eyes and I watch the Josh in my head breathe in and out. And then, I can breathe too.

When I met Josh I was being washed in a never-ending cycle of ups and downs, I was the dirty tennis shoes crashing into the top of the dryer and thumping the bottom the next second. I felt like I was stumbling through life cross eyed and dizzy. And then I met Josh. Unflappable, steady, reliable Josh. Josh is like a rock that’s embedded in a mountain, something that was always there and always will be. One night we stood under the awful orange glow of a street light at an hour only people filled with absolute hope or complete despair are awake for and looked at Josh’s broken car window in the parking lot of an all-night breakfast restaurant. “Oh,” remarked Josh in a casual voice as he poked carefully through the shattered window, “my laptop is gone.” I watched his eyes carefully waiting for what might come next. “I guess I’ll call the police and make a report. How was your pancake? Did you get enough to eat?” That’s when I decided I wanted to live on this rock. 

In addition to being in a tumble dryer of ups and downs, I was also paralyzing stationary. I was afraid to move, afraid to make choices and most of all, afraid of change. Change was the dirtiest of swear words in my vocabulary. Change meant only bad things, never good, it was never worth the risk. Until I trusted Josh. 

One impossibly gorgeous day Josh and I went snorkeling on South Padre Island. The instructor repeatedly drilled that we were in a shallow bay that you could stand up in but we were to never let our feet touch the ground or it would kick up sand and ruin the trip for an entire boatload of people. I couldn't swim. It quickly became clear that I didn't have the coordination to breathe through my snorkel and to keep my body horizontal at all times. In the middle of the ocean Josh sensed this and grabbed a hold of my hand, as long as I had his hand I was able to figure out how to keep my body flat and enjoy the beautiful fish. As we bounced about in unclear water next to strangers and surrounded by weird, little fish that nibbled our legs, I realized Josh would always keep me afloat. 

We were in South Padre that day because Josh had taken my hand and said, it's OK to make changes that you want. Adventures don't have to be scary. So hand in hand we lived in so much of the world. We slept in the back of my car on a beach on the Gulf of Mexico. We climbed down into tide pools in the coastal northwest and touched starfish the size of our faces. We walked the Riverwalk hypnotized and mesmerized by its magic. We browsed rows and rows of food trucks in Portland. We drove to Disneyland just because we felt like it. We touched sea turtles in Texas. We stood halfway up a volcano that you can see almost an entire state away. And through all those things I realized change comes anyways, like the waves off the ocean next to our favorite fish and chips restaurant where they knew us by name. Change crashes down all around us, but Josh holds my hand and we don't drown. 

Josh will never drown because he'll never stop swimming. Almost ten years ago our dining room table was constantly stacked high with papers and envelopes, city governments were slowly clunking the wheels of adaptation and still wanted paper job applications filled out with black ink and mailed to their mailbox. Meanwhile our mailbox was just as full as our table, of letters back that said nope, no, no thank you. Hundreds. Literal hundreds and Josh never stopped smilingly filling them out. One day I put on the gentlest voice I could find and bracingly voiced what I'd been secretly thinking for months, "Maybe it's time we looked at another career path for you." Josh said only six words: you get what you focus on. And he did. 

Josh had confidence in himself that fed his determination. But Josh had confidence in me too. He hands me lists of programs if I ever let slip I'm halfway interested in learning something. He says you can do whatever you put your mind to. And more importantly he says you should. Because of him I let myself discover my dreams. Because of him I let myself dare to live them. 

Josh thinks the absolute best of me at all times. If I snap at the kids, it’s, “Wow, you spend so much time focused on them and being a great mom, of course you snapped a little, everyone does. Why don’t you go to the gym for a while and then maybe to a movie?” If I say I feel lonely, he organizes a sitter and sets up a date. If I have health problems, he lets me lay in bed every night and calls me after every doctor appointment with a, “Ok so what exactly did the doctor say?” If we find out I have to be on a strict permanent diet, he downloads food apps to check the ingredients of everything I eat and researches what I am allowed to eat at my favorite restaurants. If I say I feel frustrated always being home with the kids, he finds me a part time job he thinks I would like and then helps me apply. If I let a grimace pass my face for a second, he jumps in with a, “what’s wrong? What can I do to make it better?” If I’m at work on the weekends, he takes the kids to buy me the newest illustrated Harry Potter book or drive 30 miles to a specialty gluten free bakery to get me some food he thinks I would like.If I say I have a problem I'm worried about with one of the kids he listens intently to me talk for hours about how I worry about Cooper making friends at preschool and then by his responses, he shows he's just as concerned as I am. He never judges me when something trivial triggers my anxiety, he puts his hands on my face, locks eyes, and breathes with me because he knows that's what I need to come back to reality. 

It’s impossible that one person can transform your entire life. But Joshua Beach does every day.

Happy early Valentine's partner. 

What I Believe

Everyone is on the edge of their seats in breathless anticipation wondering what does Paige think of the mysteries of life? What is her storied opinion on literally every possible subject? Exactly what is swirling through that beautiful brain of hers? I HAVE TO KNOW. 

Never fear, adoring public, never fear. You shall soon have answers to all your burning questions in the upcoming blog rant sure to appease and delight all eight of Paige's blog readers. 

The suspense is just killing you, isn't it?

Well I decided to probe my thoughts and feelings about the existential mysteries of life because I stay at home with two tiny children, I work part time, my house is currently being de-flooded, we just got in a car accident, and I have to deal with all the insurance agencies in the world and I totally have time to sit and worry about this stuff. Totally. Let's nail all this down, it's the most pressing thing right now. 

In actuality, I watched Josh respond to someone about what I thought about church the other day in what can only be described as a state of frenzied and slightly manic confusion, and I thought to myself, hmm I guess he, and everyone else could use some more clarity on the subject. I don't ever want to feel like my opinions are something that I need to hide or sugarcoat or be ashamed of. It's not an embarrassing dirty secret that I don't go to church anymore. And I refuse to feel ashamed about it. I didn't start experimenting with crystal meth, I examined a set of personal beliefs I had and decided they were no longer serving me in the way I wanted them to. 

Side musing: I wonder why we feel so entitled to everyone else's personal religious beliefs. There are some private things we give each other and let each person have whatever opinion about it that they have and trust that it has no bearing on our own personal life, but weirdly religion doesn't seem to be one of those things. Like when the Jehovah's Witness yelled at me on my front lawn while I was playing with my kids and demanded to know then and there what I thought about God. And I was like, "Um hi, I'm Paige. And you are?"

I still feel the same way I felt in February about everything (see a couple posts back.) But I am disappointed with myself on one front. The entire reason I stopped going to church was so that I could hold my personal opinions (the ones that were contrary to the church's) loudly and proudly and without embarrassment. In a lot of ways I feel I've failed at that. I either hold those opinions up strongly and then lose my footing when someone questions me about church attendance. Or I slip back into the familiar feeling of being a church member, and begin to mute my opinions. 

Side musing: I hate the phrase "stopped going to church" like maybe I just don't want to go and that's why I'm not going, rather than making a thoughtful, conscience choice about it. I also hate the phrase "I left the church" because that implies a lot of vitriol that I simply don't feel. 

I don't want to feel like I turn up or down the volume of myself depending on what group of people I'm with. I want to be a nice steady volume that's not too loud and not so quiet you need subtitles, unless you're watching The Great British Baking Show and have a hard time understanding some of the contestants through their accents. I want to be my authentic self without shame or embarrassment. And I want to hopefully help those around me feel like they don't need to be ashamed of me either. So let's break down what I believe, maybe some things you'll find aren't so different from your own beliefs, or maybe they will be starkly different and you can take comfort in knowing I will never shame you for your beliefs. 

I believe in surrounding yourself with people who are wholly, completely, and even intimidatingly different than you are. 

I believe in dressing myself appropriately for weather. In the heat of summer when I'm chasing my beautiful kids around the playground, I believe in wearing loose fitting tank tops, short, sweat wicking shorts, and running shoes so that we can stay and play the day away. 

I believe in not being afraid to say you're sorry and that you messed up. 

I believe in constant learning and expanding your world view. I believe in reading as many books you can get your hands on, for pleasure, and for stepping in the shoes of someone else. I believe in reading books that go beyond your comfort zone. 

I believe in swearing when I'm mad, dammit. 

I believe in being the biggest feminist this world has ever seen. 

I believe that Donald Trump is the complete opposite of that. 

I believe that service is the most worthwhile thing on earth that you can do. 

I believe in recycling, driving hybrid cars, and never using disposable products. 

Except diapers. 

I believe that there should be more gun regulations. 

I believe in taking care of my body the absolute best I can. I believe in exercising regularly, eating healthily, not smoking, not drinking alcohol, not drinking too much caffeine, not eating too many hot dogs...

But I also believe that my body is my own, it is my vehicle to accomplish my goals and it is not an ornament for anyone else's visual pleasure. I don't have to meet any standards that other people have decided on. My body is for me and whoever I decide to share it with. 

I believe that there is nothing inherently wrong with homosexuality or transgenderism. I believe everyone deserves to be loved and to give love and to have a family in the way that they feel loved in. 

I believe we can do more to champion women and to encourage them to pursue careers that are not just fail safes in case their spouse dies. I believe women should be allowed to selfishly think about their own personal dreams. 

I believe in not being in a rush to get married and have children. I believe there is value in finding and nurturing yourself. 

I believe not every woman can be happy and fulfilled being a stay at home mother. I believe there is no shame in that. 

I believe in nature. 

I believe that we can be Godlike in the way we take care of each other. 

I believe there are more good people in the world than there are bad. 

I believe in being a sarcastic smart ass. 

I believe in being open and vulnerable about your short comings and struggles instead of trying to one up everyone around you. 

I believe in being real. 

Jokes on Josh

In a couple weeks Josh and I are going to Los Angeles to see Harry Potter Land and fulfill my 12 year old's life wish. We've rented a condo with AirBNB and have had several discussions about the likelihood that we're going to get murdered. Work was slow today so I decided to create a fake email account and email Josh pretending to be the condo owner.

Hi Josh,
We are looking forward to your upcoming trip with us! We are wondering if you could send us a photo of yourself before you come. Preferably an 8x10 ASAP. We can't wait to show you around the town! Thanks!

-Addie

To my surprise Josh emails back with a photo of us and says,

Addie,
Here is a recent photo of my wife and I.
-Josh

Thanks for throwing me under the bus Josh. This could be a murderer. So I responded,

Josh,
Oh is your wife going to be auditioning too? Is this the best head shot you have? A lot of the auditions I have set up for you are just extra roles but they do still expect a nice head shot. Also, do you have any other special talents that I should know about as your agent? Thanks!

-Addie

Addie,
I think there is some confusion as to what our intentions are. We were just planning on using this as a place to stay on our vacation.

We are not looking to audition for anything.

I thought it was a bit strange that you wanted head shots.

-Josh

Josh,
I'm terribly sorry for the confusion. Most people who book with us want the whole L.A. experience. I understand if you don't want to audition BUT I have set up some great auditions for you that any aspiring actor would kill for! Including a homicide victim on Law and Order: Criminal Intent! Most actors would audition for years to get the chance for this role so I definitely want to make sure before I cancel it. Thanks!

-Addie

At this point Josh is freaking out and it takes everything I have not to laugh when he reads me these emails. He's starting to get very concerned.

Addie,
Sorry about that, I didn't get that impression from your listing, nor do any of the reviews reference that type of experience.

If that's a problem we can look elsewhere for our trip, let me know.

-Josh

Josh,
Well the thing is that I already committed to the casting agent for you for this role. Here, I'll send you the script. It's only a few lines and shouldn't take more than a couple hours to film. Normally I would have other actors that I could pull from but they all recently got busted at the same time! Cops, am I right? Thanks!

-Addie

Attached to that email I sent Josh a script I found online from Law and Order where Josh plays a pimp.

Addie,
There was no indication that if someone stayed there they would be required to go on auditions.

I have zero interest in doing so, please refund my money and we will look elsewhere for accommodations.

-Josh

Josh,
I mean Jimmy would be perfect for the part, quite honestly I don't know if you are believable as a pimp, but Jimmy is an actual pimp. It's the perfect role for him. But unfortunately over 20 grams qualifies as "intent to sell." Who knew? So now Jimmy's out and you're the only one left.

-Addie

Addie,
Please refund my money or I will call Airbnb.

-Josh

Josh,
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, in future I will no longer assume people are booking the L.A. experience that we have carefully cultivated. However I have already spent 50% of your money on casting calls and head shots.

-Addie

At this point, Josh is absolutely livid and I am having the time of my life. But I can no longer continue my prank as he is about to call Airbnb. Alas...

Getting Real

This post is kind of strange, it's right in the middle of something that wants to be let out of my heart and also something that wants to stay private. It's something that I strongly feel isn't really any of anyone's business but mine, but also a large part of me longs to write it down, to try to nail down exactly what I think and to try to find some catharsis. It isn't baby poop, it's the R-word and it's some really heavy stuff. 

For all of my life I have loved and participated in the LDS religion. Service. Family. Charity. Forgiveness. Love. Morals. Humility. All wonderful things that I have found in the church. But since I was a teenager sitting in the chapel when they read the letter about Proposition 8, something started nagging me in the back of my mind. But there were still all those wonderful things that I loved, conference talks that brought me to tears, music that stirred my heart, beautiful words spoken by friends strengthening each other. So many beautiful attributes that some people had perfected so much it that made them into some of the best people I knew. Beautiful things I was trying to work into my own imperfect life. And I loved those things. So I pushed the uncomfortable things to the back of my mind, but still they would creep up sometimes. Lessons about the Proclamation to the Family that didn't quite sit right with me, going to tie quilts with the young women while the young men learned how to change a flat tire, hearing how you should never postpone starting a family, hearing how permanent birth control was wrong, being told that we loved our homosexual members but that they weren't allowed to marry or have families. These things swirled in my brain for years but still I heard so many positive, uplifting messages that it seemed to make up for them, until- I heard that children of same sex couples would not be allowed to be baptized. And the things that I had carried for so long in the back of my mind, fell crashing to the ground. 

It was hard. I still loved the church and 99% of its teachings. But could I be an advocate for an organization that had a policy I could not, no matter how many ways I tried, agree with? I thought and prayed and pondered and cried and a funny thing happened. 

I let go of the idea that there is one right way for everyone. I let go of the idea that I had to go to church to be a good person. I let go of the idea that spirituality could only be found in a chapel. I let go of the idea that everyone around me had to be the same as I was. I let go of the thought that people who didn't go to church weren't working hard on their character. I let go of the feeling that I had to be told what was right by someone else and couldn't try to figure it out for myself. And my world got so. much. bigger. 

I think once we get to a certain age in our lives we settle into our ideals and values and hold tightly on with both hands until the day we die. Change is a scary thing. Changing your mind about something you believed in is like confessing to the world that you're vulnerable, that you don't have all the answers, that you might be weak. And no one likes to do that. And I think it scares people when other adults do that. But here I am, I'm going to be that weird, scary person that admits I changed my mind. I am still the exact same Paige I was before. Anxious, awkward, hot tempered, stubborn, impatient, dramatic, mistake-making Paige. But now, my world is opening a bit more and I'm on a journey to become the best version of myself I can be. I'm realizing that I find happiness and fulfillment and spirituality and breath-taking love in my children's sweet faces, the incredible beauty of the earth, a kiss from my husband, the way my body feels when I run, the heart-stopping way someone can shape words into something that transforms you, amazing people who inspire me with their pure, absolute goodness, and soul-cleansing laughter. 

I believe that where we are trying to go is more important then how we are trying to get there. I'm trying to be like my grandpa, like Jesus, like Atticus Finch, like the Dalai Llama, like Cheryl Strayed, like Gordon B. Hinckley, like Oprah, like Mother Theresa. I want to be the best mother, wife, friend, neighbor, daughter, sister, complete stranger that I can possibly be. I want to feel less stress of checking off all the boxes of being the perfect church member, and more passion to become a better person. I want to feel like I can become a better person while holding my own opinions of gay marriage and being a feminist and reproductive issues. And holding those opinions tightly, loudly, strongly, and without shame or embarrassment. The joy that brings me is so great. I feel like I am so much closer to my truest self. 

I admire, respect, and look up to so many people in the LDS church. And I admire, respect, and look up to so many people not in the LDS church too. Aren't we all just trying to be the best we can? For some, the LDS church helps them do that and I love that, I champion and support that! And I champion and support those that meditate and those that study the words of others and those that spend time in nature and those that serve others and whatever ways we are all trying to live our truth. 

I don't know what the future holds for me in regards to the LDS church. That's the beauty of being on your own journey. You get to decide for yourself and take your time doing so. But I do hope that my friends and family still see me for me (is that good or bad? I don't know.) But we are so much more than the sum of our parts. 

Update

I have a lot of blog catching up to do!

First of all I should probably update about Ruby. Poor girl, I haven't written a word about her since she's been born. With Cooper I wrote a post every month. I love the stuffing out of her, but Cooper takes up so much of my attention. So, catch up time.

Ruby started solid foods about three weeks ago. Cooper hoovered everything we gave him but Ruby is already picky about what she eats! She doesn't like applesauce, Greek yogurt, green beans, or avocados. Pickiness already is not a good sign.  Both my kids just might live off of chicken nuggets and flinstone vitamins their whole lives.

Ruby loves Thomas the train. I think it's because she sees Cooper playing with him all the time but she is always trying to roll and kick and wiggle over to Thomas and usually she gets to him and then is met with a loud, "Hey, no, that's mine!" from Cooper.

Ruby is trying to get into stuff and move around like someone who is much older. She will just launch herself right out of your arms and face plant in Cooper's bowl of goldfish crackers. And then she gets stuck face down in the goldfish and it makes you wonder what she thought was going to happen. Poor sweetie, she is desperate to be a big kid.

Ruby is rolling back to front and sitting up for short periods of time. Mostly she likes to stand on her legs and pretend to walk rather than lay on the floor so I think she will be a walker before a crawler, maybe.

Ruby loves to watch people, but her favorite person to watch is Cooper. Especially when he's crying. When he starts crying, she starts laughing her head off at him, which makes him even more upset and then he cries harder and sobs for her to, "stop it" and then she laughs even louder. And then I burst an organ trying to restrain my laughter. Oh man, I feel bad for Coop but it is a funny situation.

Ruby's not very snuggly and instead wants to be on the go all the time. I thought by having a girl I would get someone calm and relaxed who just liked to sit and do crafts for hours, but so far she's just female Cooper. I'm going to have to start tripling my protein when she becomes mobile. Why are my kids so active?! I blame Josh.

Ruby has separation anxiety already! Man my kids just can't get enough of me! Just as Cooper got over his, Ruby is starting hers, we're destined to never leave our kids! We dropped Ruby off the other night at our aunt and uncle's and she screamed like a banshee. Poor babysitters! It makes me feel a tiny bit good to know that Ruby likes me though. I like you too Rube.

Poor Rube has a clogged tear duct that if it hasn't cleared up by October she'll have to go in and have it "probed." Probing is horrible, they strap the babies down and go down their tear duct with a big needle to clear it and then flush it with water. I'm already a total wreck about it. How awful does that sound?! Poor baby Ruby and her eye boogers!

Ruby has no teeth yet. She's the 50th percentile for weight, 75th for height, and 95th for head circumference. The nurse laughed out loud when she measured poor Ruby's head and then asked me why I didn't think it was funny. But Cooper had a giant melon head as a baby too so I'm just used to it. Apparently my kids are destined to be big headed, hyperactive, picky eaters.

Ruby is a sweetie and has the prettiest blue eyes anyone has ever seen. She has delicious fat rolls and thunder thighs and huge squirrel cheeks. I love her chinless smile and squeaky laugh and larger than life enthusiasm. Six months to twelve months is my absolute favorite baby age, they're so fun and so cute and I am so glad to experience it with my sweet Ruby.

Now for our anniversary weekend (or 28 hours not that I was counting or anything.) It's the first time we've spent the night away from our kids in two years, so it was wildly exciting. We left the kids with my mom and went to Park City. We went to Over the Counter for breakfast and went to the outlet malls, played some tennis, rode the chairlift up Park City Mountain Resort and trail ran down, went to dinner, had a caramel apple, sat in the hot tub and watched the Theory of Everything (SUCH a good movie you guys!!!) It is so fun to be alone with Josh, SO fun! People should pay to hang out with him, he is that much fun to be around. I started laughing so hard I was crying while we were trying to order Mrs. Fields, I couldn't even order my cookie, Josh had to order it for me. We have fun when we're with our kids too but when we're alone, we pretty much spend the whole time laughing. It was so nice to have that 28 hours. SO nice!

Now for Cooper's speech progress! Everybody's favorite topic that I never shut up about. His evaluation with the school district is coming up on the 28th. He has to be functioning at 30% less than his age group for speech. I think he will probably make it, plus I don't think he will talk to the evaluator much so that should help lower his score! I'm hoping it will be a smooth transition into the school district. We only have like 5 more weeks of his private preschool left, surely it can't take more than 5 weeks to get him in right??

Cooper is speaking more and more, he's using longer word phrases as time goes by. He's using more verbal requests rather than gesturing which is a double edged sword. It's great that he's using his words, but a lot of the time I can't understand what he's saying and he gets frustrated and that absolutely breaks my heart into a million pieces. I hate watching that, it's weirdly sadder to watch him not be understood than him not using words at all. Poor kiddo. But he is getting better and better all the time! Preschool has been amazing for him, he has picked up so much language there, and he really loves the other kids. The other day I picked him up and he was playing with his friend and I asked him what his friend's name was, expecting the teacher to answer for him and Cooper surprised me by quietly answering, "Robert." This week is "fall break" for preschool and I'm worried Cooper is going to be upset about not going for a week, he just loves it so much, and it's been so good for him. I'm so grateful we found this special school.

Cooper is such a smart boy. I can't wait for his speech to catch up with him. The other day I realized he can read the word Elmo. I spelled it out with his alphabet magnets just to make sure and sure enough he says, "Elmo!" Silly boy is obsessed with numbers and letters. He counts to 30. He recognizes his name, his preschool friends names, and several other words, now including Elmo.

He has started to ask some what/where questions which is a big speech milestone! I love it! His trains always end up all over the house (and once outside buried in the dirt) because he plays with them so often so sometimes he'll say, "Where are you Percy?" when he's walking around looking for him. Or when we're driving he loves to cross the railroad tracks so one day I heard him in the backseat say, "Railroad crossing, where are you?" And the other day he asked his very first "what" question! He pointed to the angry birds app and said, "what's that?" I was so excited, I gave him like a 20 minute diatribe on angry birds.

I love that he is getting more able to tell me what he's thinking. We went to the library the other day and he opened the bin with the Disney logo on it and looked inside at the books and said to himself, "Don't see Mick Mouse." And I kid you not, I ransacked that library, I was going to get him a Mick Mouse book if it killed me! Today we were playing and I was able to decipher from his words that he wanted me to come play trains with him in his room with the light off and then after that he wanted to look through his dresser and put on sweatpants, a sweatshirt, and a tie. That probably seems so normal to everyone but it's amazing that Cooper is learning how to communicate his wants and needs through his words! It's my greatest desire to know what he's thinking and I'm finally starting to see it! He thinks a lot about trains, and snacks, and tv shows! And when I read him The Three Little Pigs in the afternoon, he's still thinking about the big bad wolf in the evening! Now I guess I know that maybe he's scared of The Three Little Pigs and we should probably stop reading it!

I'm so happy with Cooper's speech progress, even with the moments where I can't for the life of me understand what he's saying and I worry no one else will be able to either, even when I think he's doing so well and then I hear another kid his age speaking in paragraphs and it eats at that part of my heart that is tender, even when I ask him a question I think he can answer and he looks at me with that look in his eye and I know he wants to say the word but he just can't. Even with all that stuff that hurts more than I admit, we have gained so much ground! One day Cooper will go up to some little kid at the playground and say, "Hi, my name's Cooper. Do you want to play?" Or maybe he'll just say, "You smell like boogers!" Either way, I'm going to be pleased with his speech!

I Talk Lot

My blog has officially turned into nothing but Cooper and his speech issues! I swear I think about other things sometimes but I enjoy documenting his progress on my blog, it soothes my neurosis.

Update:
Cooper is on his third week of preschool. I DID IT! I've even stopped telling everyone I know that I'm pretty sure Miss Becky is a convicted felon. I've also stopped hanging out in the parking lot asking parents who are dropping off to look at the boy in the Thomas shirt and see if he's ok. I'm basically a drop off pro now. Just kidding, I sit next to him while he's trying to color at table time and say, "Mommy loves you, can you say I love you too? Mommy's going to miss you. Mommy will be here as soon as preschool is over. Are you going to be ok? Do you need anything? Can I have a kiss?" And Cooper just tunes me out while he colors his turtle and Miss Becky looks at me like I'm a total freak.

Whatevs Miss Becky.

Anyway, Cooper is doing AWESOME with his speech!! He is progressing really quickly. Last week I finally stopped writing down everything he says but it was about 100 words, about 30 two word phrases, and about 15 three word phrases. Two months ago he had five words. So he's picking things up really quickly.

A few of my favorite things about his increased verbalization:

When I made dinner the other night he sat down and took a bite and said, "tastes good!" Granted he had taken a bite of applesauce, not something I had actually cooked, but oh my heart just soared!

The other day I was rubbing lotion on him, I never had to put any lotion on him while we lived in Washington so he's not used to it and he doesn't particularly enjoy it. He laid there and said, "Not good lotion. P U lotion. All done lotion." Hehe I laughed and laughed.

 The other day I let him turn on Netflix and I asked him what he wanted to watch, expecting him to go point to a show and instead he said, "Watch George Three." Which means Curious George Three. It was SO sweet.

He's finally saying, "I love you" to us! I mean I should know that he loves us without him saying it but it feels like I'm finding out for the first time that he loves me and I just can't express the feeling that hearing those words gives me.

Another one that makes me so proud is whenever I hear him say, "Cooper." He is always much more willing to say other peoples names than his own. Sometimes it's "Tooper" sometimes it's "Pooper" and a couple of times it's been "Cooper." He used to say it very sparingly but now he is saying it more frequently and it just makes me so happy. I still remember the moment Josh and I decided on the name Cooper, I couldn't wait to hear how he would say his name! Hopefully he grows out of the "Pooper" before he gets laughed at, poor sweetheart.

And "Wubah" has turned into "Ruby!" My smart boy is making speech corrections!

Then in the car he's invented a new little game where at the traffic lights he calls out, "green light go" and "red light stop."

There's a song on one of his Thomas movies where it goes la la la la la and Cooper sings along with the la la's! It's the first time I've ever heard him sing!! He has a terrible voice! Hahaha! I love it!

Josh taught him to say, "I talk lot." Which is hilarious because of the irony. We have him say, "I talk lot" and then giggle.

I really love hearing words that he obviously learned at preschool like the other night when I put corn down in table and he exclaimed, "corn!" And when I was doing a puzzle and he looked at it and said, "barn door!" (Yes, I do jigsaw puzzles because I am the definition of cool.)

He counts to twenty and says the whole alphabet!

You guys, I can't even believe the sweet little things my son is saying. I can't wait for him to talk in sentences! I can't wait for him to sing songs! I can't wait for him to tell me my hair looks bad today! I can't wait for him to scream I want cookies in the grocery store! I love every word that comes out his cute mouth!

So Miss Becky is probably helping my sweetie, even if she is a convicted felon. What do we really know about her anyway... And she's helping him create art projects which is a first! I kept leaving his art projects in his cubby because I thought they were some other little kids. Finally they stuffed like five of them into his backpack for me. Miss Becky is really impressed with me.

Oh that reminds me I taught Cooper to say, "No way Miss Becky!" Hehe don't tell her...

Preschool, it's happening

Speech Speech Speech

This week we went to Cooper's first speech session in Boise. It's amazing how many speech therapists there were to choose from, and so many that specialize in apraxia! The clinic that I decided on turned out to be a block from our house which was a a nice surprise. 

I told Cooper we were going to go see Teacher and he got so excited but then I had to tell him it wasn't Teacher Judy, it was a new teacher and he was so sad. I was too, we all miss Teacher Judy. I offered to take her to Boise with us but for some reason she didn't take me up on it. Why don't you want to live with us Teacher Judy? Our house is peaceful and calm like a zen garden I promise. 

So at the session the therapist talked to us about our plans for Cooper's speech and I told her at the end of August he would be getting evaluated with the school district to start therapy preschool and also at the end of August he would get evaluated at Idaho State University for private sessions. She told us that he would probably definitely qualify for preschool with the school district (which can I just say made me kind of sad, I wanted her to be like no, he'll never qualify, he's the world's most gifted orator! But I guess I want the services so whatever.) And then she told me that they offer a preschool there with daily private speech sessions that's paid for by your insurance so we could do that until we start the school district preschool in the fall. 

So then I got the preschool information and Cooper and I toured the preschool. The preschool is adorable. It's four days a week but they said I could only do two (yes please.) Cooper would get a one on one speech session every time as well as having a speech therapist in the preschool all the time. There are only six other kids and you don't have to be potty trained!

Basically with the insurance/payment thing it's going to be the same price for us to either have him do private speech sessions or do private speech sessions during a speech preschool so, it's a no brainer right? I'm trying to find a reason not to do it, I'm not ready to send Cooper to preschool!! 

I asked him if he wanted to go to preschool and he was excited but then I said, "Does Mommy go to preschool too?" And he said ya!! So I'm not really sure how it's going to go. 

My poor little sweet pea. 

Poor me! If he didn't have speech issues I would never let him go to preschool! Every day he asks me to snuggle him in his crib, Cooper and Mama are best friends! And if some little booger clad 3 year old thinks he can usurp me, he's going to have to hold on to his sippy....

So here goes nothing, I guess I will be crying in the lobby on Monday from 9 til 11:15.