What I Believe

Everyone is on the edge of their seats in breathless anticipation wondering what does Paige think of the mysteries of life? What is her storied opinion on literally every possible subject? Exactly what is swirling through that beautiful brain of hers? I HAVE TO KNOW. 

Never fear, adoring public, never fear. You shall soon have answers to all your burning questions in the upcoming blog rant sure to appease and delight all eight of Paige's blog readers. 

The suspense is just killing you, isn't it?

Well I decided to probe my thoughts and feelings about the existential mysteries of life because I stay at home with two tiny children, I work part time, my house is currently being de-flooded, we just got in a car accident, and I have to deal with all the insurance agencies in the world and I totally have time to sit and worry about this stuff. Totally. Let's nail all this down, it's the most pressing thing right now. 

In actuality, I watched Josh respond to someone about what I thought about church the other day in what can only be described as a state of frenzied and slightly manic confusion, and I thought to myself, hmm I guess he, and everyone else could use some more clarity on the subject. I don't ever want to feel like my opinions are something that I need to hide or sugarcoat or be ashamed of. It's not an embarrassing dirty secret that I don't go to church anymore. And I refuse to feel ashamed about it. I didn't start experimenting with crystal meth, I examined a set of personal beliefs I had and decided they were no longer serving me in the way I wanted them to. 

Side musing: I wonder why we feel so entitled to everyone else's personal religious beliefs. There are some private things we give each other and let each person have whatever opinion about it that they have and trust that it has no bearing on our own personal life, but weirdly religion doesn't seem to be one of those things. Like when the Jehovah's Witness yelled at me on my front lawn while I was playing with my kids and demanded to know then and there what I thought about God. And I was like, "Um hi, I'm Paige. And you are?"

I still feel the same way I felt in February about everything (see a couple posts back.) But I am disappointed with myself on one front. The entire reason I stopped going to church was so that I could hold my personal opinions (the ones that were contrary to the church's) loudly and proudly and without embarrassment. In a lot of ways I feel I've failed at that. I either hold those opinions up strongly and then lose my footing when someone questions me about church attendance. Or I slip back into the familiar feeling of being a church member, and begin to mute my opinions. 

Side musing: I hate the phrase "stopped going to church" like maybe I just don't want to go and that's why I'm not going, rather than making a thoughtful, conscience choice about it. I also hate the phrase "I left the church" because that implies a lot of vitriol that I simply don't feel. 

I don't want to feel like I turn up or down the volume of myself depending on what group of people I'm with. I want to be a nice steady volume that's not too loud and not so quiet you need subtitles, unless you're watching The Great British Baking Show and have a hard time understanding some of the contestants through their accents. I want to be my authentic self without shame or embarrassment. And I want to hopefully help those around me feel like they don't need to be ashamed of me either. So let's break down what I believe, maybe some things you'll find aren't so different from your own beliefs, or maybe they will be starkly different and you can take comfort in knowing I will never shame you for your beliefs. 

I believe in surrounding yourself with people who are wholly, completely, and even intimidatingly different than you are. 

I believe in dressing myself appropriately for weather. In the heat of summer when I'm chasing my beautiful kids around the playground, I believe in wearing loose fitting tank tops, short, sweat wicking shorts, and running shoes so that we can stay and play the day away. 

I believe in not being afraid to say you're sorry and that you messed up. 

I believe in constant learning and expanding your world view. I believe in reading as many books you can get your hands on, for pleasure, and for stepping in the shoes of someone else. I believe in reading books that go beyond your comfort zone. 

I believe in swearing when I'm mad, dammit. 

I believe in being the biggest feminist this world has ever seen. 

I believe that Donald Trump is the complete opposite of that. 

I believe that service is the most worthwhile thing on earth that you can do. 

I believe in recycling, driving hybrid cars, and never using disposable products. 

Except diapers. 

I believe that there should be more gun regulations. 

I believe in taking care of my body the absolute best I can. I believe in exercising regularly, eating healthily, not smoking, not drinking alcohol, not drinking too much caffeine, not eating too many hot dogs...

But I also believe that my body is my own, it is my vehicle to accomplish my goals and it is not an ornament for anyone else's visual pleasure. I don't have to meet any standards that other people have decided on. My body is for me and whoever I decide to share it with. 

I believe that there is nothing inherently wrong with homosexuality or transgenderism. I believe everyone deserves to be loved and to give love and to have a family in the way that they feel loved in. 

I believe we can do more to champion women and to encourage them to pursue careers that are not just fail safes in case their spouse dies. I believe women should be allowed to selfishly think about their own personal dreams. 

I believe in not being in a rush to get married and have children. I believe there is value in finding and nurturing yourself. 

I believe not every woman can be happy and fulfilled being a stay at home mother. I believe there is no shame in that. 

I believe in nature. 

I believe that we can be Godlike in the way we take care of each other. 

I believe there are more good people in the world than there are bad. 

I believe in being a sarcastic smart ass. 

I believe in being open and vulnerable about your short comings and struggles instead of trying to one up everyone around you. 

I believe in being real. 

Jokes on Josh

In a couple weeks Josh and I are going to Los Angeles to see Harry Potter Land and fulfill my 12 year old's life wish. We've rented a condo with AirBNB and have had several discussions about the likelihood that we're going to get murdered. Work was slow today so I decided to create a fake email account and email Josh pretending to be the condo owner.

Hi Josh,
We are looking forward to your upcoming trip with us! We are wondering if you could send us a photo of yourself before you come. Preferably an 8x10 ASAP. We can't wait to show you around the town! Thanks!

-Addie

To my surprise Josh emails back with a photo of us and says,

Addie,
Here is a recent photo of my wife and I.
-Josh

Thanks for throwing me under the bus Josh. This could be a murderer. So I responded,

Josh,
Oh is your wife going to be auditioning too? Is this the best head shot you have? A lot of the auditions I have set up for you are just extra roles but they do still expect a nice head shot. Also, do you have any other special talents that I should know about as your agent? Thanks!

-Addie

Addie,
I think there is some confusion as to what our intentions are. We were just planning on using this as a place to stay on our vacation.

We are not looking to audition for anything.

I thought it was a bit strange that you wanted head shots.

-Josh

Josh,
I'm terribly sorry for the confusion. Most people who book with us want the whole L.A. experience. I understand if you don't want to audition BUT I have set up some great auditions for you that any aspiring actor would kill for! Including a homicide victim on Law and Order: Criminal Intent! Most actors would audition for years to get the chance for this role so I definitely want to make sure before I cancel it. Thanks!

-Addie

At this point Josh is freaking out and it takes everything I have not to laugh when he reads me these emails. He's starting to get very concerned.

Addie,
Sorry about that, I didn't get that impression from your listing, nor do any of the reviews reference that type of experience.

If that's a problem we can look elsewhere for our trip, let me know.

-Josh

Josh,
Well the thing is that I already committed to the casting agent for you for this role. Here, I'll send you the script. It's only a few lines and shouldn't take more than a couple hours to film. Normally I would have other actors that I could pull from but they all recently got busted at the same time! Cops, am I right? Thanks!

-Addie

Attached to that email I sent Josh a script I found online from Law and Order where Josh plays a pimp.

Addie,
There was no indication that if someone stayed there they would be required to go on auditions.

I have zero interest in doing so, please refund my money and we will look elsewhere for accommodations.

-Josh

Josh,
I mean Jimmy would be perfect for the part, quite honestly I don't know if you are believable as a pimp, but Jimmy is an actual pimp. It's the perfect role for him. But unfortunately over 20 grams qualifies as "intent to sell." Who knew? So now Jimmy's out and you're the only one left.

-Addie

Addie,
Please refund my money or I will call Airbnb.

-Josh

Josh,
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, in future I will no longer assume people are booking the L.A. experience that we have carefully cultivated. However I have already spent 50% of your money on casting calls and head shots.

-Addie

At this point, Josh is absolutely livid and I am having the time of my life. But I can no longer continue my prank as he is about to call Airbnb. Alas...

Getting Real

This post is kind of strange, it's right in the middle of something that wants to be let out of my heart and also something that wants to stay private. It's something that I strongly feel isn't really any of anyone's business but mine, but also a large part of me longs to write it down, to try to nail down exactly what I think and to try to find some catharsis. It isn't baby poop, it's the R-word and it's some really heavy stuff. 

For all of my life I have loved and participated in the LDS religion. Service. Family. Charity. Forgiveness. Love. Morals. Humility. All wonderful things that I have found in the church. But since I was a teenager sitting in the chapel when they read the letter about Proposition 8, something started nagging me in the back of my mind. But there were still all those wonderful things that I loved, conference talks that brought me to tears, music that stirred my heart, beautiful words spoken by friends strengthening each other. So many beautiful attributes that some people had perfected so much it that made them into some of the best people I knew. Beautiful things I was trying to work into my own imperfect life. And I loved those things. So I pushed the uncomfortable things to the back of my mind, but still they would creep up sometimes. Lessons about the Proclamation to the Family that didn't quite sit right with me, going to tie quilts with the young women while the young men learned how to change a flat tire, hearing how you should never postpone starting a family, hearing how permanent birth control was wrong, being told that we loved our homosexual members but that they weren't allowed to marry or have families. These things swirled in my brain for years but still I heard so many positive, uplifting messages that it seemed to make up for them, until- I heard that children of same sex couples would not be allowed to be baptized. And the things that I had carried for so long in the back of my mind, fell crashing to the ground. 

It was hard. I still loved the church and 99% of its teachings. But could I be an advocate for an organization that had a policy I could not, no matter how many ways I tried, agree with? I thought and prayed and pondered and cried and a funny thing happened. 

I let go of the idea that there is one right way for everyone. I let go of the idea that I had to go to church to be a good person. I let go of the idea that spirituality could only be found in a chapel. I let go of the idea that everyone around me had to be the same as I was. I let go of the thought that people who didn't go to church weren't working hard on their character. I let go of the feeling that I had to be told what was right by someone else and couldn't try to figure it out for myself. And my world got so. much. bigger. 

I think once we get to a certain age in our lives we settle into our ideals and values and hold tightly on with both hands until the day we die. Change is a scary thing. Changing your mind about something you believed in is like confessing to the world that you're vulnerable, that you don't have all the answers, that you might be weak. And no one likes to do that. And I think it scares people when other adults do that. But here I am, I'm going to be that weird, scary person that admits I changed my mind. I am still the exact same Paige I was before. Anxious, awkward, hot tempered, stubborn, impatient, dramatic, mistake-making Paige. But now, my world is opening a bit more and I'm on a journey to become the best version of myself I can be. I'm realizing that I find happiness and fulfillment and spirituality and breath-taking love in my children's sweet faces, the incredible beauty of the earth, a kiss from my husband, the way my body feels when I run, the heart-stopping way someone can shape words into something that transforms you, amazing people who inspire me with their pure, absolute goodness, and soul-cleansing laughter. 

I believe that where we are trying to go is more important then how we are trying to get there. I'm trying to be like my grandpa, like Jesus, like Atticus Finch, like the Dalai Llama, like Cheryl Strayed, like Gordon B. Hinckley, like Oprah, like Mother Theresa. I want to be the best mother, wife, friend, neighbor, daughter, sister, complete stranger that I can possibly be. I want to feel less stress of checking off all the boxes of being the perfect church member, and more passion to become a better person. I want to feel like I can become a better person while holding my own opinions of gay marriage and being a feminist and reproductive issues. And holding those opinions tightly, loudly, strongly, and without shame or embarrassment. The joy that brings me is so great. I feel like I am so much closer to my truest self. 

I admire, respect, and look up to so many people in the LDS church. And I admire, respect, and look up to so many people not in the LDS church too. Aren't we all just trying to be the best we can? For some, the LDS church helps them do that and I love that, I champion and support that! And I champion and support those that meditate and those that study the words of others and those that spend time in nature and those that serve others and whatever ways we are all trying to live our truth. 

I don't know what the future holds for me in regards to the LDS church. That's the beauty of being on your own journey. You get to decide for yourself and take your time doing so. But I do hope that my friends and family still see me for me (is that good or bad? I don't know.) But we are so much more than the sum of our parts.