Clarifications

One day someone told me they thought my blog was funny. I didn't know how to respond so after pausing for a second I said, "It's because my life is a hot mess." I told Josh that comment later that night and he said, "Did you say it wasn't supposed to be funny? This is your real life?!"

Well folks, my life is a hot mess. Life is messy with kids. I'm not going to lie and tell you that Cooper toots rainbows while I teach him mandarin chinese all day long. But that in NO way means I do not LOVE my messy life (because I do) or would choose to have it any other way (because I wouldn't.) Of course I realize that being Cooper's mom makes me the luckiest person to have ever lived. Sometimes I joke around with Coop and tell him that I must have stayed late and helped clean up after all the meetings in Heaven because I got the best little reward ever. (And no, I don't really believe that your behavior in another life sets the circumstances for this one.) I thought my feelings about Cooper were obvious? If anything I love this kid TOO much- it's like affecting my mental health.

But for some reason it needs to be clarified in black and white that when I say something like-
Cooper ripped out a chunk of my eyelashes today
A. This does not mean I also want to drop him off at the fire station.
B. This does not mean I'd rather have all my eyelashes than my baby.
C. That I am not overwhelmingly, exceedingly, tremendously happy that I have a little buddy in my life to rip out my eyelashes. Those eyelashes were getting kind of annoying. No but really, when I make a joke, it is a joke, I like to laugh at cute things Cooper does. There is not a moment of my day that goes by when I am not thinking about my sweet boy and how he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

But I guess I need to spell it out more, so no one calls cps on me.

What I love about the most special baby ever:

I LOVE Cooper's chewing noises. (Which is weird considering how much I hate everyone else's chewing noises.) I absolutely love them to death, they are so sweet. I just want to make a tape of them and listen to them every night as I fall asleep. I'm not kidding, listening to this kid nom nom with a mouthful of sweet potatoes makes my heart melt into about a billion pieces.

I LOVE Coop's cute chunky baby body, every bit of it from his head to his piggies. Sometimes I have to actively stop myself from just squeezing him or biting his toes or kiss attacking him. I spend 90% of his wake time kissing on him. Poor Coop doesn't really like kisses and probably wonders in his little baby head why these people won't stop kissing on him. Should I mention that I kept his first fingernail I ever clipped? And that when I carry my naked baby to the bathtub I stop and stand in the mirror and admire his bum cheeks for a while first?

I LOVE holding and playing with Cooper. Josh and I STILL after six months of Cooper-time battle each other to the death over who gets to hold him. We need to be better about this since usually one person is clinging onto Cooper for dear life and the other person is trying to grab him, and usually Coop's in the middle, probably seriously uncomfortable. Sorry buddy, but sometimes your daddy hogs you and it's my turn. ;)

So between this kid's big blue eyes that are so cute I would probably let him eat ice cream for breakfast every day if he ever looked at me with those eyes and said ice cweam? His chubby cheeks that are chapped from all the kisses, that I have to lotion twice a day. His laugh that makes Josh and I run and jump and dance and sing until our lungs have collapsed because we will never stop doing something as long as Cooper is laughing at it. His sweet sad cry that simultaneously breaks my heart and also makes me smile because every noise he makes is just so cute. His wide, gummy, toothless, drool-y, face-encompassing smile that steals my heart and will also win him ice cream or cookies or a live dinosaur or whatever else in this world that he wants. The way he pants in my ear when I'm carrying him. The silly sleep positions this kid contorts himself into during the night, and the way my heart explodes with joy each and every morning when I go and get him from his crib- I could write an 800 page manifesto about how I love Cooper.

So I'll just say, to condense, that I give Cooper every single ounce of everything I have to give. I spend every moment of Cooper's day tickling him, making him laugh, playing toys with him, reading him books, singing him songs, teaching him Spanish and sign language, feeding him, changing him, bathing him, doing everything humanly possible to make sure the love of my life is happy, fed, clean, and comfortable.

I am an excellent mother.

I love my son every second of the day whether he is laughing at me singing five little monkeys or puking on my bed sheets- I love him just the same. (Which he did this morning- I set him on my bed and went to the bathroom quick (about 3 feet away) and as soon as I sat down, I just had to watch helplessly as Cooper barfed all over my sheets. I called out, "Cooper, stop barfing on my sheets." But it didn't seem to help.)

Just because I had a child, does not mean that I no longer get to have good days and bad days. Some days are better than others, just like they used to be. But saying that I had a hard day is in NO way a reflection of how I feel about my baby, or my husband, or my life.

I love all my days, be they easy, hard, short, long, or covered in poop.

I assumed everyone just knew that and knew how much I soul-crushingly love my son. But I guess it had to be clarified.

And that is why I'm making my blog private in a couple of days. If you would like to keep reading, you can leave me your e-mail address, or send it to me privately if you want. I get to go wash my sheets now.