Reasons I Hate Small Towns (and you should too)

Aberdeen supposedly has a population of 16,000 people. I think that's probably a lie because I've only come across about six of them. Maybe the rest are mole people? Either way, it is a small town. A small town I have tried very diligently to like for about six weeks. I gave it a good solid effort. And now I'd like to talk about how much I hate it. Would you care to hear why?

• Because it takes a pain-stakingly, agonizingly LONG time to check out at the grocery store, even though there's usually just one or two people ahead of you. That's adorable that everyone knows everyone else in town and some people really love that, but do they have to play catch up while Cooper is chewing on a packet of taco seasoning that's seconds away from dissolving in his mouth? Every single time I've gone to the store I've sat and listened to the cashier discuss with the person ahead of me what potluck item she's planning on bringing to the "pig roast" while Cooper tries to eat every single one of my groceries that I've yet to pay for. At this point I don't even feel bad when she has to pick up a drool-soaked packet of taco seasoning so she can scan the bar code. You brought that on yourself, lady.

*Yes the pig roast is a real thing. Some guy roasts a pig every year and apparently it is quite the ordeal. People camp out the night before. Old ladies bring pies. And the cashier at the grocery store is thinking of bringing potato salad. I can't wait.

• I always read the local newspaper of wherever I live. In Salt Lake it was full of actual news. Here, Kurt Cobain's grandpa died and it was on the front page. And Leland didn't even live here. Now that's just kind of pathetic. No offense Leland.

• Lack of shopping. We got rid of our dresser when we moved, assuming it would be really easy to find another one when we got here. Big mistake. Basically if Wal-mart doesn't sell it, you're not buying it. Every Saturday we cruise the yard sales hoping someone somewhere is selling something that looks remotely like it could store clothing. Our clothes are still in piles on the floor. What's that you say? There's something called Craigslist? Well there's nothing even close to an Aberdeen category. You have to scan through pages of furniture listings to finally see the magic word of Aberdeen just to realize that someone is selling a lava lamp.

• The fact that people notice when I don't go to the gym for a few days. This is probably the worst part of small-town existence, and it's especially irksome when it's an 85 year old man that's giving me the third degree.

Old man with no body fat: Oh, haven't seen YOU here in a while. And I would know because I've been here every day.

Me: Oh, uh... I've been working out at home? Total lie.

Old man with no body fat: Looks me up and down with a raised eyebrow... Sure you have.

I'd really like to stay home and eat doughnuts without all the judgement.

• And perhaps the most depressing small-town moment was when I was watching tv (I can feel the old man at the gym judging me right now) and a typical car commercial came on. At the end they advertised the location of the dealership as being "next to the Burger King." My hopes and dreams died as I realized that these were un-ambiguous and clear directions. 

I should clarify that I actually really LOVE the Pacific Northwest, before someone gets the idea to run me over with their Prius. I just really hate small towns. My apologies to Aberdeen, Leland, pig-roast guy, Mr. Cranky at the YMCA, people that love lava lamps, and to all cashiers that recieve products directly from my son's mouth.