Ways in which my son publicly humiliates me

So I realize that babies are well, babies. And they don't really have manners yet, nor does anyone expect them to. But for some reason Cooper's lack of manners in public really embarrass me sometimes. I was sort of unprepared for all the public attention you receive when you're toting a baby. But sometimes that attention isn't always positive...

So, the ways in which Cooper has publicly humiliated me:

Cooper STARES at African Americans. We're talking full on drop what you're holding, open your mouth in awe, wide eyed, no blinking, cannot tear your eyes away for anything kind of staring. So embarrassing. One day at a hamburger stand while waiting for our food Cooper was very obviously ogling a very particular stranger if you know what I mean. This nice man could tell Cooper was enthralled with him and came over to say hi. I tried to casually play it off like, "Oh he just really seems to love you!" Hahaha, faint nervous laughter.... I didn't add it's because you're black afterwards. Seriously, it's such a problem that I've taken to constantly showing him pictures of black people at home so that he can get over it. I call it diversity training.

Speaking of non-discrete staring, Cooper goes into a full on trance watching people eat food. It's such an intense, humorless stare too, like the stare of a serial killer or something. One day as he was staring down some lady in a restaurant I overheard her telling her friend, "Um is this baby seriously going to watch me eat my entire meal?" Um ya lady, he sure is. Or the poor man eating pizza in Costco, Cooper shrieked with delight every time this guy took a bite. Can you imagine trying to eat a piece of pizza while some stranger's baby laughs at you the entire time? How awkward would that be? Imagine if Cooper saw a black person eating. It would be Cooper's dream come true.

This kid has a lot of awkward social problems at restaurants, I should probably stop taking him. Like the time we were out with the family and Cooper was at the end of a long table in his high chair- the waiter came over and stood next to Cooper as he filled our water glasses. After a minute or so I looked over at Cooper to see he had his entire arm wrapped around this guy's upper thigh. Just sitting there, clinging to this man's upper thigh. Mortifying.

Also restaurants are not a great place for Cooper's food jealousy issues. I went to lunch with a friend who isn't around kids too often and was probably caught off guard by Cooper's lack of manners. She was holding him on her lap when the waiter brought the bread, she took a piece and brought it to her mouth when Cooper reached up and grabbed her hand out of her mouth and shoved the bread into his mouth instead. And this little dude is strong too! The other day we were fighting over a spoonful of applesauce and guess who ended up with a face full of applesauce? It wasn't Cooper. So when Cooper decides he's going to commandeer your food, you better watch out.

Speaking of he-man over here, he is often abusive to children and the elderly. Like the time I took him to the petting zoo, I was holding him up to the fence to see the piggies and I was concentrating on not letting him fall into the pig pen when I heard the little girl next to us let out a big scream and then start to cry. I looked over to see her holding her head and Cooper holding a fistful of her hair. I tried to apologize over and over but she was pretty mad. As anyone would be if someone ripped out a chunk of your hair while you were looking at some pigs.

Or the time during sacrament when Cooper was playing with my car keys in my lap and then out of nowhere flung them backwards and just nailed this little old lady right in the face. Then to top it off he let out a laugh as the keys made contact with her face. I did all the apologizing I could for a meeting in which you're supposed to be quiet but it's hard to apologize for something like that. What do you say? I'm sorry my son threw car keys at your face? It's humiliating. Plus she sat there and held her nose the rest of the meeting as I tried not to die of embarrassment.

Cooper tends to reserve these moments of no manners for when some stranger is paying total attention to him. Like the time I was changing his diaper on a changing table in a rest stop during a road trip. Some sweet little old lady flocked over to fawn at my sweet angel baby. As she was fawning over him, he made a bee-line straight for his little boy wee-wee as soon as I took his diaper off and I had to have the rest of my small talk with this lady as my son was double fisting his junk so tightly his face was turning purple. And I tried to sit there and keep talking about the weather as if this was completely normal behavior. Real cute Coop. Thanks a lot. Also, why do you have to be so aggressive? Mommy is worried you're going to hurt yourself.

Cooper doesn't seem to understand the whole taboo of "private parts" especially in public. Like the time I took him to my friend's bridal shower and he kept motorboating me in front of everyone. Coop really likes to shake his head back and forth and for some reason he chose those few hours when I was at a bridal shower with a bunch of people I didn't know and no other children and everybody staring at me to shake his head in between some unfortunate areas. And he kept doing it too! I had to pry him off me. He hasn't done it before or since which leads me to believe that he waited until he could cause me maximum embarrassment. You succeeded buddy.

Coop, I can't take you anywhere.