My mini meltdown

When I start to get stressed or worried about something Josh says I'm having a mini meltdown. Well that is what I'm having right now. Cures include writing, talking to Josh about my irrational fears late at night when all he wants to do is go to sleep, eating junk food, and watching trashy tv in bed.

Since Josh fell asleep early, I don't have any junk food, and I've already watched this week's Project Runway, writing will have to do. And speaking of trashy tv, every time I see a commercial for Dance Mom's I think why haven't I seen this show yet?!

So here comes my full meltdown...

Every time Josh and I have moved (without kids) everything has been easy. We've moved across the country twice with 2 weeks notice and it hasn't stressed me out much at all. However moving with kids is a horse of another color. We have about a million thing left to do and about one spare hour of nap time to do them in. It is really hard to get stuff done with Cooper. If we're on the computer looking for housing, Cooper is crying because we're not letting him bang on the keyboard. If we're packing in front of Cooper, Cooper is crying because he isn't touching everything and chewing on the boxes. If we're in the other room packing, Cooper is crying because we're not in the same room as he is. I didn't realize that our slow, post-baby pace would affect our move too.

Even if Cooper started magically playing happily by himself, we still have a million things to do! Most of which hinge on having an address which we do not have yet, despite Josh flying up there to check out a bunch of places. There is ominously nothing to rent in Aberdeen or surrounding areas. So far we have one apartment complex that we are still waiting to hear from because their hours are Monday-Thursday noon to four (another ominous sign) and a house that has a septic tank and is not hooked up to the city's water supply. Decisions decisions.

Also, I hate small towns. We both do. Harlingen had 75,000 people but to me it might as well have been one man and some cows. Aberdeen has like 4,000 people. I am going to die. When I googled shopping in Aberdeen this was all the came up. Please click on it and then feel sorry for me. Costco is 45 minutes away. And what if I might need something for Cooper one day, like a rain coat? I'd probably have to drive an hour and a half rountrip to Olympia to get it! We spent all day yesterday thinking yes we can live in Olympia. We can make the commute! Josh can drive 100 miles a day! And slowly but surely we realized we were doomed and that driving to Olympia would cost 8 dollars a day in gas. Yikes.

And what if no one wants to be my friend? And I sit alone inside all day with Cooper and Elmo? I was lucky enough to meet a lot of awesome people in Texas but what if everyone in Aberdeen just wants to shoot heroin behind dumpsters? Is that even what you do with heroin? See? I'm not going to fit in.

We called one of the branch presidents to see if he knew of anything for rent in the area, they were thrilled that we had a kid because right now they only have one kid in primary. One kid! So I guess I really hope Cooper and Billy get along really well.

And my biggest fear is what if Cooper hates it? What if we get there and he never laughs or smiles again? Here I know that he's happy. I know that he likes where we live and he likes the people he spends time with. What if some day he's sitting in a psychiatrist's office and telling all about how his parents moved him away from everything he knew when he was 7 months old and that's the reason he shoots heroin behind dumpsters?

What if I made the wrong life decisions? 
What if I had gone back to work full time after having Cooper instead of deciding to stay home?
What if we had chosen different career fields?
What if we had never moved?
What if somewhere I made a mistake or a bad choice and it ends up affecting Cooper's happiness?
I guess it all boils down to- am I doing the right thing for my son?

Sometimes I worry that I'm not and that I'm living such an inadequate life that isn't worthy of caring for such a precious person. I didn't go to Harvard law school, I didn't marry a Kennedy, I still don't have everything all figured out. What happens when Cooper finds out that I'm kind of a hot mess who lives in a dinky town in Washington and still has student loans?