There could be a whole chapter of what to say to your wife after she cooks a loving meal for you.
My personal favorite-
"This doesn't taste like my mom makes it."
"Oh it's great baby." (A promising start...)
"But it would be much better with different ingredients."
After several miserable hours and a kitchen completely covered in flour, I produced my first loaf of bread-
"Well if we don't eat it all, we can use the rest as a door stop."
Describing the dinner I had prepared to our dinner guests-
"It's a curry dish." Pause...
"But not like authentic curry...."
Before even tasting it-
"It looks wonderful baby. But maybe next time you can make it differently."
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There could also be a chapter dedicated to finessing your pregnant wife which Josh has a lot of pointers on.
One night I was literally in tears crying about how big I was and I told Josh I looked like a walrus.
"Oh baby you don't look like a walrus!" (Another promising start)
"You don't have any tusks."
I patiently waited for more reasons but that was the end of the list.
After complaining to Josh that no one had given me the compliment that I was "glowing" when I was pregnant-
"You were glowing honey." Pause...
"Actually you were more like glazed. Like a doughnut."
After asking Josh for food in the middle of the night, he sleepily responded-
"No, but tomorrow I'll buy you a reaching stick and lay some food out on the floor by your bed."
After asking Josh if another pregnant woman with the same due date was skinner than I was-
"Well.... Um.... Well, she's probably just not as hungry as you are."
One day I stopped at KFC on the way home from work because I constantly craved their potato wedges and used to order the family size for just me. I called Josh to tell him I was going to be late.
Me: I had to park and wait because they had to cook more wedges.
Josh: Well they probably didn't know you were coming, next time you should call and let them know ahead of time.
One time Josh and I were at a burger place and I had finished my french fries and desperately wanted to order another order but I was embarrassed and I wanted him to tell me it was ok.
Me: Do you think anyone ever orders two things of french fries?
Josh: Maybe people that are on documentaries about obesity.
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I have a floral patterned shirt that I like to wear, I've had it for years and Josh had never said anything about it until one day-
Me: Have you seen my floral shirt anywhere?
Josh: You mean Mildred?
Me: What?
Josh: That's what I named your old lady shirt.
One day I located the nearest drive-in movie theater and excitedly asked Josh if he wanted to go-
Josh: Oh ummm.... With just you or with other people too?
Me: Just me.
Josh: No thanks.
One day I was bummed about something and I told Josh that I felt like everyone hated me-
"What are you talking about? No one hates you!" Pause...
"Except this person and this person and this person, oh and all of our neighbors...."
He literally named like ten people and then didn't understand why I wasn't cheered up.
Josh really loves to comment on how much I can eat. What woman doesn't love that?
One day we went to Five Guys and I ordered a double cheeseburger and the cashier asked me if I was sure I wanted that (what kind of a jerk says that by the way) but before I could say anything Josh responded-
"Don't worry, she can really put it away."
One day we were driving along in silence and I asked Josh what he was thinking about.
Josh: I think I'm going to buy stock in Frito-Lay.
Me: How come?
Josh: Because you alone are always going to keep them in business.
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